Finding the silver lining

So,  I thought I would answer the question why my blog address is momofone.  It is one way that I identify myself.  When people meet me with our daughter they inevitably ask “is she your only one?”  Yes.  “Are you going to have anymore?”  Until recently, the answer was always “Oh, we hope too!”  I don’t share with everyone that asks me these questions that our daughter is adopted.  I don’t want her to think that that is how we identify her.  I also feel that when she wants people to know that about her,  she will tell them.  Of course, the people that we are more than “acquaintances” with know that she is adopted.  But otherwise that is how we handle it. 

Two weeks after one of my sister-in-laws had her second child, she decided to inform me that people who just have one child are not really parents.  So precious of her!  I thought, “so up until two weeks ago you had not been parenting?”  I let it be.  The women had just recently given birth and I am sure that she was sleep deprived.  But as time has gone on, I have realized that this really is her opinion.  And I am sure that many other parents with multiple children share it as well.  They tell me, “when you just have one child you always know who did it” (made the mess, broke whatever).  I suppose that is true, but I do know there is more to parenting than figuring out who needs disciplined for what offense.

In the beginning, I did not know if I would even be a momofone.  I knew that it would be difficult for me to get pregnant, so I had prepared myself.  Good thing I did, because it was not only difficult- but impossible.  It was then that my husband and I dove into the frightening, thrilling, joyous world of adopting a baby.  Thankfully for us, that happened really quickly.  When we brought our daughter home, our idea was that when she turned four we would start the whole process of adopting again.  So our daughter turned four and it was time to make a decision.  Did we feel the same way about it as we had four years earlier?  We were fortunate that we had a textbook adoption process, no surprises, we communicate with her birth-mom through our agency, and to be honest we did not think it could ever be that easy again. 

But that left so many questions as well;

• Will our daughter really be missing out being an only child?
• Wouldn’t she benefit from having an adopted sibling who understood her deepest questions, hurts, fears and doubts?
• Could we financially afford another adoption?
• What if the next adoption failed in some way?  How would that effect our daughter?  How would that effect us?

Ignorance really is bliss the first time that you adopt a child.  You read all the books and ask 14,000 questions.  But not until you go through the entire process do you realize that it is a “miracle” that this actually happened.  There are just so many, many things that can happen that can change everything.  So, since we were no longer ignorant could we do it again?

People have mentioned to us about foster care, foster/adopt, etc.  I just know that for me…I could not do it.  There, I said it “I COULD NOT DO IT.”  I am just not wired to be able too.  Some people call me “emotionally intense” – that is probably a nice way of saying it, but I just feel very strong emotions about things very quickly.  When I like something, I LOVE it.  When I don’t care for something, I HATE it.  I fall in love fast.. this bit me in the butt as a teen, but I survived.  I just know that two seconds after I met my daughter in the hospital, I LOVED her.  She was mine, I was (in my mind) her mother.  If they had taken her away at that moment- I don’t know that I could have recovered.  So the idea of having precious children in my home – that I would love immediately- and  then possibly have to let them go…I could not do it.

So, the decision was made.  I would remain a momofone.  My husband was fine with it much sooner than I was.  He is not emotionally intense- which is why we balance each other out.  It took me awhile.  I still fantasied about adopting again.  I still kept all of our daughter’s baby things (furniture, swing, high chair etc.) up in the attic.  But I finally came to accept it.  I prayed that if God did not have a purpose in me feeling this way, then please taking the longing away.  And he did.  I came to accept it, really accept it.  I actually am happy with our decision.  So happy in fact, that this weekend our brother-in-law came to get all of our daughter’s nursery furniture out of our attic to use in their upcoming baby’s room.  I was happy for them and I was happy to let them have it.  Oh, the sentimental mother in me had to swallow a little harder as the truck drove away, but soon enough my mind was on to something else.

So, that is why my blog address is momofone.  It is my way of saying, “This is me and it is okay.”  I also know that parents with only one child are parents too, whether my sister-in-law thinks so or not.