Finding the silver lining

It has been awhile since I have written much. No reason why really, just have not had much to say I guess. This weekend brought about an interesting conversation that I thought I would share, while I sifted through it in my head as well.

Our daughter who is five and adopted really nailed us with some serious adoption questions this weekend.  We have talked to her about her adoption since before she could even talk herself, because we didn’t want her to ever have a memory of “the adoption talk”.  We wanted her to be familiar with the vocabulary associated with adoption before she really understood what it was.  So, since she was about two she has talked some about the fact that she is adopted.  Sometimes the context will be right and sometimes it won’t, but we realize that she is just trying to “figure it out in her head” like children do with everything.  We have talked with her about her birthmom and birthdad and when she receives presents and letters from her birthmom she is always very excited.  She understands that Mommy can’t grow a baby in her tummy and at one point ask if her birthmom could just grow another baby for us!  Oh, if it were just that simple!

So, this weekend in the car (these serious conversations always happen in the car) she asks us if she can see her birthmom.  We tell her that yes, after she graduates from highschool and is 18 that if she wants to see her then she can.  She wants to know if we know her phone number and where she lives.  Well, no we don’t know that information but the adoption agency does.  We assure her that when she is eighteen we will get that information and she can see her then if she wants too.  She then tells us how much she misses her birthmom and wishes that she could see her everyday.  Wow!  We were not quite prepared for that one, but continued on with the conversation.  So, we told her that we understood that she missed her and that we knew her birthmom missed her too, because she has told us in the letters that she sends us. 

Then she asks us if we have any pictures of her birthmom.  Yes, we do.  Well, what does she look like?  So, we tell her.  And then she asks what her birthdad looks like and we tell her and her response is “So, he looks like you and me Daddy.”  Oh, it was so hard not to let the tears flow with that.  This five year old is having all of these feelings, that I am sure are totally normal for an adopted child (I am not sure that most express them at five but…) and she still sees her connection to us, as her parents.

My true belief is that going into adoption, you must be prepared for a point in time when your child meets and brings into their lives (and your lives too) their birth family.  If you can not handle the thought of that happening, my personal opinion is that you should not adopt.  Not every child will end up wanting to meet their birthparents and the spectrum of what that relationship will end up being is huge, but you as adoptive parents have to be prepared for anything and everything.  If they sense, in any way,  that you do not support them fully in finding out any and all information and that you do not support them in whatever it is that they choose to do with that information…it will be an even more difficult process for them.  And the supporting begins very early, not when they reach eighteen and ask you about it.   

We will continue to be open and honest with our daughter about her adoption.  And we will continue to share with her what we think she can understand and handle for her age.  We will do it because it was a promise that we made to her birthparents and we will do it because we believe it is the best thing for her.  We love her so much and I suppose that we too will “figure it out in our heads” like adults do as time goes on.