Summertime
I am not a big fan of this time of year. It is not the humidity, or the mosquito’s, or that my daughter does not understand that summer is not a vacation for Mommy from household stuff. Even though at the moment, the house looks like I have taken a vacation! It is always around this time of year that I really start thinking about my Dad’s death. July 4, 2000 was the last holiday that I got to spend with him. I had no clue that in less than thirty days he would be gone. None of us did.
My husband and I came home from Kansas City for the weekend and my parents had just moved into their new house. They had moved from the house I had lived in since I was thirteen, to a smaller house in a gated community. Downsizing they called it. I have no memories of my Dad from that holiday at all. The only thing I remember from the visit is that I cut my knee on the toilet tank lid while getting out of the shower. (don’t ask how, I don’t even think I could explain) I have a scar to prove it. Anyway, I wish that I could remember something about being with him for that holiday…but I can’t.
So, when June turns to July my thoughts seem to fast forward to the end of July and August. It will be eight years this August that my Dad died. Every year does get easier. But, I want to say that it is not because “time heals all wounds”. Time heals nothing. I have really had to work hard at grieving my loss and accepting it. Still, this time of year the excitement of summer begins to fade for awhile. I have to wonder if it will always be this way?
Me in a small town
This has been heavy on my mind today, as it is most days…so I thought I would blog about it a little. Maybe it will put it in perspective for me, but right know I kind of doubt it. I don’t want to sound like a whiner, but I want to whine, so I will. I hate this small town that I live in. Some days I tolerate it, other days I don’t like it so much, but most days I hate it. And right now there is not anything else that I can think of that I “hate”. So it is a strong emotion at the moment, to say the least.
I haven’t always lived in this small town, thank God. I grew up in a city, went to college in a city, and then transfered to a college in a very large city. When we got married we stayed in that large city for four years, moved back to the city that I grew up in, and three years ago….we moved to this small town. I must say it was not because we were tired of city life and looking for a place where we didn’t have to lock our doors. We moved here for a job opportunity for my husband. A great job, that he loves, in a small town that I hate. I thought at first it would be a fun change of pace. I am always up for change- I love new surroundings, but I saw all there was to see in about a week.
Most people that live in small towns very long, know that everyone knows everyone’s business. I don’t like people in my business. My business is not that interesting. I don’t think the clerk at the convenience store should know if my daughter has chicken pox or not. But she did and I know I didn’t tell her. It is this thing where you ask someone, “How are you”? and they respond with everything that they know at the moment about everyone they know. It is an invitation to TMI – Too Much Information.
My husband likes this small town. He lived here from first grade until he went to college. But even he has said that it’s not the same living here as an adult as it was when he was a kid. I guess it has it’s perks;
- you can be anywhere in 10 minutes
- ok, I am trying to think of something else…
- and I can’t.
Besides the fact that it is small and you see the same faces everywhere you go, it also smells. It smells like raw chicken and in the summer when it is warm at night it smells like chicken pot pie. Not good chicken pot pie either. There is a chicken factory, but we don’t live near it…but then again you can be anywhere in 10 minutes. And the smell of raw chicken must travel far.
So here I am, me, in this small town. No exit in sight, trying not to be a whiner- but also trying not to lose my mind. Content, content, content. I keep saying to myself it is not where you are but who you are. Focus on your family around you. Look for the good every situation. Find the silver lining. And it doesn’t matter that it smells like raw chicken outside, you don’t smell like raw chicken inside. 
It all sounds great, but it is not working.
So what am I to do? I have made my husband promise me one thing. He had to promise that he would not bury me in this small town…because that goes far beyond what a wife should have to do.
Where have I been?
Oh wow you mean it is June? I thought it was still December…just kidding. I cannot believe that I have not written one post since December. I guess I got in the holiday spirit and didn’t get out. The main reason that I have not written is that I am trying to decide if and what I want this blog to be about going forward. I have a wonderful friend ( http://www.lisawhittle.blogspot.com ) that has a clear purpose for her blog and she blogs every Monday morning. I can’t decide if that is where I want to go with this or if I want it to continue to be a plethora of the thoughts that are in my head. So, I thought I would wait and blog when I decided, but I still don’t know.
I do know this. Our family is doing well. Our daughter was a stellar kindergartner and learned more than I could have ever imagined. When she was born premature the doctors prepared us, almost to the point of annoyance, that she could be very delayed in everything. When we started speech therapy, the therapist told us to be prepared for her to be very delayed in reading. Well, they were all wrong! She reads books, chapter books as she calls them, to herself and has an amazing vocabulary. She was by far the strongest reader in her class. Yes I am bragging, because I am so proud of her. She is quite the pistol. As I have mentioned before, she understands that she is adopted, and gains a greater understanding of that all the time. I have some very funny stories and some difficult stories to share in posts in the future. I will say, that I did not think a six year old could have this kind of understanding of adoption or that they would use it as a tool to continually test us!
So, who knows what is ahead for this blog of mine. I may focus on a purpose and then again I may not.
Good to be back and it is good to be reminded to find the silver lining!
