Finding the silver lining

“There can be no resolution leading to growth until the present situation has been faced completely and you have opened to it with mindfulness, allowing the roughness of the situation itself to sand down your own rough edges”.

- excerpt from Wherever You Go There You Are 

There is no doubt that I am a runner.  I wish that I could say that I was a physical runner, but I am not.  I am a runner from my emotions.  It is not all emotions, just ones that are painful, confusing, or too complicated to think through quickly.  I am not one that likes to “sit” with my emotions, it makes me uncomfortable.  Everyone that knows me well, knows that I am a runner and at one time or another they have pointed it out to me.  I used to try to explain it away with the idea that “I like change” or “I just don’t see the point in bathing myself in how I feel”.  The thing is that the emotions that I avoid, are just like how the quote above describes them…the edges are rough. 

When you sand down the edges of something, you are actually removing layers of whatever it is that you don’t want to be there.  You are looking for what is beneath that is clean and not covered over.  Removing layers of built up emotions is the same thing.  You are looking for what is beneath that is clean and not covered up by past experiences.  You are looking to find what is really there.

But the idea of letting the situation that you are in be the sandpaper is beyond my comprehension.  And that is where the runner in me comes in.  When you hurt you get out of the situation, change things, look forward not back, but by all means…you move.  You don’t just stay in the situation and let the roughness of it sand down your edges.  Just that sentence sounds painful.  Runners have to get away, move onto other experiences, fill their mind with other things and eventually convince themselves that they have stuffed what they were running from down where it will never be seen again.

But, I know that it will be seen and felt again.  I have spent most of my life running, changing, fixing, going with plan B, C, D.  And to be honest it has not worked for me.  I have brought all of my past hurts, disappointments, failures and pain right along with me.  And every year the load gets heavier and heavier.  Even numbing myself to the situation and throwing my hands in the air to surrender, does not make me face the feelings.  I know that is why I am in this small town that I hate. (see earlier post)  I am here and I have no exit out.  If I will be open with mindfulness to it, this is the place where the roughness of the situation could sand down my rough edges. 

We don’t understand that it is actually possible to attain clarity, understanding, and transformation right in the middle of what is here and now, however problematic it may be.

So, I guess the first question is why do I run?  I don’t know that there is a simple, clear cut answer.  I think it really comes down to not knowing how to deal with those emotions any other way.  I think it comes from how I was taught to deal with emotions and the messages that were sent to me when I tried to deal with them in different ways.  At least now I have enough clarity or maturity to look back and pin point the moments that I made the decision to run.  Some situations were not that affected by my decision to run and then there are others that changed the course of my life and who I have become.  Running can have monumental consequences.  At least in my life it has.

The second question would be how do I stop running?  I must admit that I am tired.  My insides feel like they have layers and layers of emotions that have built up.  Talking about them doesn’t seem to do anything, because I end up talking about the experience and not the feelings that it left me with.  Seeing the experience for what it really was and in certain instances the good that came from it, does not necessarily release the emotions of it either.  I think I need a good punching bag.  I could tape the experience and the emotions to it and just beat it to shreads.  That would feel good I am sure, but would it rid me of the layers?

I must say that I have made some headway.  In the past I was so hell bent on not letting anyone see my emotions that I would mask my feelings from everyone around me.  I would not give myself the opportunity to even feel anything, because I had to appear to happy, happy, fine, fine.  That approach I have let go of.  I am better able to be who I am in the moment now and not pretend otherwise.  This makes some people uncomfortable, because they are accustom to me being “on” all the time.  But, they have learned to deal with it. 

But still, even if you are not pretending, it does not mean you are exposing the rough edges to sandpaper.  That looks to be a deliberate act that you are continually conscious of.  And that would require a runner to slow down, stop and be still.  Have you ever tried to sandpaper something that is moving?  Probably does not result in a pretty outcome. 

So there you go.  I know what I need to do and why I need to do it, or actually must do it.  But can I and more importantly…will I?  I don’t know.  I think I will have to get to the being still before I can prepare myself for the sandpaper.