That Cabbage Patch Doll
I can remember it like it was yesterday. I was in the fourth grade and the HOT gift that Christmas was the Cabbage Patch Doll. If you remember, perfectly sane mothers were pushing and shoving eachother in toy stores everywhere to get one of those dolls. Like every girl in fourth grade, I wanted a Cabbage Patch too. I don’t remember if I was still getting “Santa” gifts at the time…my mother continued to give those until one day I came home from school and saw a gift that said From: Santa. I said “Mom, I know that is your handwriting”. The “Santa”gifts ended then. Anyway, I know that I asked for a Cabbage Patch Doll that year. Christmas morning came and there was no doll to be found. I remember every gift that I opened, I anticipated that the box might contain the coveted doll. It never did. I remember after all the gifts were open, actually going around the house searching to see if my parents had hid it somewhere. I didn’t find anything. I didn’t dare complain to my parents, as I got many great gifts and I didn’t want to seem unappreciative….but I was really disappointed that I didn’t get the doll. I remember going back to school after Christmas break and most of my friends had gotten the doll. They talked about what theirs was named and what it looked like. Oh, I was jealous!
In cleaning up my daughter’s room yesterday, I realized that she has not one – but four Cabbage Patch dolls. Two of them are doll size and the others are babies. I must say that none of them were bought by us, but were gifts from grandparents. I looked at the cute dolls and even smelled them. They smell good you know! I thought “this is ridiculous that my child has four of these dolls!” No, they are not the HOT item that they were back in the early 80’s and I am sure that they don’t cost as much as they did that Christmas, when I was in fourth grade…but why does she NEED four?
I then saw my parents decision to not get me a Cabbage Patch Doll that Christmas from a different perspective. It taught me that you don’t NEED the HOT item of the year to be happy. Oh yes, I was disappointed, but I was not unhappy. I also learned that trends will come and go, and if you live your life trying to follow them- you will constantly be trying to keep up. I learned that you don’t HAVE to have what everyone has, to have a lot.
At 33 years old, I am not a trend follower. In fact, I am a little of a trend rebel. If it is HOT at the time, I don’t want it – because everyone else does. I could not tell you what is trendy right now for women my age, because it really does not matter to me. So many other things do, things that are not THINGS.
I wonder if not getting that Cabbage Patch Doll that Christmas influenced how I am today. I think it did and I think my parents hoped it would at the time. Now, how do I teach my daughter the same lessons? One thing is for sure….no more Cabbage Patch Dolls!!
Me and my boundaries Part II
I have had some time to work on putting boundaries in my life. I wrote in an earlier post (Part I) that life events had forced me to face the fact that I had no boundaries. Through this process, I have learned a couple of things.
1. Others are not always very accepting of you setting boundaries.
A TV psychologist often says that “we teach people how to treat us”. When you have allowed people to interact with you without boundaries for years and suddenly you do not just allow them the freedom to “roam around in your life”, they are not too happy about it.
2. Setting boundaries is often followed by guilt and second guessing.
Those same “roamers” have no problem in pointing out that you are not doing what you should be doing. It is never said point blank like that, but they like to pull that passive/aggressive stuff. It is hard to stick with it and keep that boundary set. But it is kind of like a child, once they figure out how to get their way they will try. You can’t cave!
3. You can go overboard.
Sometimes in life you do have to do things that you just don’t want to do. After all, it isn’t all about you and you do want to have healthy relationships in your life. That often requires you to do things that just are not that much fun. The great thing is though…you get to make that choice. You are NOT doing it out of guilt or the desire to please. You are doing it because you recognize that in this situation it would be the best thing for everybody, including yourself.
I thought that by setting boundaries, limits, and fences in my life that I would feel more isolated and contained. It has been the exact opposite. It is the most freeing thing to decide what is important to you, what you will allow in your life, and then living by that. You are able to avoid situations that you know will hurt you, or make you feel bad about yourself, and use that time and energy on the people and things that make you happy. Trying to please everyone is exhausting and it never ends. It is a constant rat race and the more you show people that you will allow that in your life, the higher they will set the standard for you to please them.
This has been a tough process and one that will never end. But it sure is better than trying to live for everybody all the time. In the end it allows you to have more to give to the people who really matter. And you get to decide who those people are.
Just the basics
We are a month into the school year and our kindergartner is doing FANTASTIC! We (Mom and Dad) are also adjusting to the new schedule and the new conversations that now take place in our house. We are also becoming excellent students ourselves, as it seems that all our daughter wants to do now is play school. And of course, she MUST be the teacher. It seems that almost every day I am reminded of my childhood, when my daughter talks about ”what Ashton brought for lunch” or “the girl that wouldn’t play with her at recess”- for the third day in a row. My initial reaction is one that I have had to stifle. I want to share with her my past experience and how she should do this or do that…you know, try to fix it. I have had to really force myself to listen and not immediately start sprouting off opinions or asking questions. This is her experience and I need to hear her out – let her talk it out. To me, as an adult, some of the things seem so trivial or easily solved. But to our kindergartner, this is big girl stuff. She has begun to ask me for stories about when I was in school and “what did you do when this or that happened”. That is the cue that I wait for to share my experience and offer some guidance. I have realized that most of the time she just wants to be heard, understood and listened too. I suppose that is really all that any of us want, isn’t it?
She is too big to swaddle now
So, this was our last weekend before our lives change as we know them. Thursday our “baby girl” starts kindergarten. She is excited, nervous and wants to know if she will have home work. She has heard her older cousins complain about “homework” and it is the worst thing she can imagine about school. I worry about her making friends, feeling confident and just enjoying school. My brain has not gotten as far as home work! When summer began and I knew that this BIG day was coming, I felt mostly excited for her and me too. We have spent five years at home together and I felt like it was time for both of us to spread our wings a little. Now that it is here, I feel like swaddling her up like I did when she was a baby and rocking her in the recliner. She was safe there. I could watch her. Nothing and no one could hurt her feelings or disappoint her when she was safe in my arms. But, she is too big to swaddle and the recliner barely holds both of us now. She is a child that is on the go all the time…she would not lay there in my arms very long at this age. Being momofone, I know that this will be the first and last child that I see start their first day of kindergarten. It is getting to me more than I thought it would, I guess.
She is ready. She is a happy and confident little girl and she makes friends easily. She will listen to her teacher and she will love all of the fun things that she will get to do and the things that she will learn. She is ready, I know that she is ready.
I am not as ready as I thought. I will miss her little voice around the house and being able to give her a kiss whenever the moment hits me. I will miss the unexpected hugs and “I love you momma” as she runs off to play. I will miss eating lunch with her and her Daddy everyday. Will he still come home just to eat lunch with me?
Another milestone in parenthood awaits us. We have tackled all the others, I suppose we will handle this one too. I just wish I could swaddle and rock her one more time. Your momma loves you pretty. You make me so proud.
In Memory
In Memory
William “Bill” Smith
May 20, 1936 – August 1, 2000
I miss you Dad. I miss your words of encouragement, your wisdom, your funny nicknames for everyone, and your ability to make everything seem that it was going to be okay. I am grateful for the twenty-six years that I had with you and I look forward to the day that I see you again in heaven.
Your daughter
Adoption conversation with our five year old
It has been awhile since I have written much. No reason why really, just have not had much to say I guess. This weekend brought about an interesting conversation that I thought I would share, while I sifted through it in my head as well.
Our daughter who is five and adopted really nailed us with some serious adoption questions this weekend. We have talked to her about her adoption since before she could even talk herself, because we didn’t want her to ever have a memory of “the adoption talk”. We wanted her to be familiar with the vocabulary associated with adoption before she really understood what it was. So, since she was about two she has talked some about the fact that she is adopted. Sometimes the context will be right and sometimes it won’t, but we realize that she is just trying to “figure it out in her head” like children do with everything. We have talked with her about her birthmom and birthdad and when she receives presents and letters from her birthmom she is always very excited. She understands that Mommy can’t grow a baby in her tummy and at one point ask if her birthmom could just grow another baby for us! Oh, if it were just that simple!
So, this weekend in the car (these serious conversations always happen in the car) she asks us if she can see her birthmom. We tell her that yes, after she graduates from highschool and is 18 that if she wants to see her then she can. She wants to know if we know her phone number and where she lives. Well, no we don’t know that information but the adoption agency does. We assure her that when she is eighteen we will get that information and she can see her then if she wants too. She then tells us how much she misses her birthmom and wishes that she could see her everyday. Wow! We were not quite prepared for that one, but continued on with the conversation. So, we told her that we understood that she missed her and that we knew her birthmom missed her too, because she has told us in the letters that she sends us.
Then she asks us if we have any pictures of her birthmom. Yes, we do. Well, what does she look like? So, we tell her. And then she asks what her birthdad looks like and we tell her and her response is “So, he looks like you and me Daddy.” Oh, it was so hard not to let the tears flow with that. This five year old is having all of these feelings, that I am sure are totally normal for an adopted child (I am not sure that most express them at five but…) and she still sees her connection to us, as her parents.
My true belief is that going into adoption, you must be prepared for a point in time when your child meets and brings into their lives (and your lives too) their birth family. If you can not handle the thought of that happening, my personal opinion is that you should not adopt. Not every child will end up wanting to meet their birthparents and the spectrum of what that relationship will end up being is huge, but you as adoptive parents have to be prepared for anything and everything. If they sense, in any way, that you do not support them fully in finding out any and all information and that you do not support them in whatever it is that they choose to do with that information…it will be an even more difficult process for them. And the supporting begins very early, not when they reach eighteen and ask you about it.
We will continue to be open and honest with our daughter about her adoption. And we will continue to share with her what we think she can understand and handle for her age. We will do it because it was a promise that we made to her birthparents and we will do it because we believe it is the best thing for her. We love her so much and I suppose that we too will “figure it out in our heads” like adults do as time goes on.
Quotes about marriage
Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate. ~Barnett R. Brickner
More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse. ~Doug Larson
Don’t marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can’t live without. ~Dr. James C. Dobson
Don’t smother each other. No one can grow in shade. ~Leo Buscaglia
What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility. ~George Levinger
It’s easy to understand love at first sight, but how do we explain love after two people have been looking at each other for years? ~Author Unknown
Quotes about friendship
Friendship isn’t a big thing- it’s a million little things. ~ Author Unknown
A true friend is one who thinks you are a good egg even if you are half cracked. ~ Author Unknown
A good friend is a connection to life- a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world. ~ Lois Wyse
A friend accepts us as we are yet helps us to be what we should. ~ Author Unknown
A friend knows the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails. ~ Author Unknown
Some quotes about children that I love
Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ~Elizabeth Stone
Children are apt to live up to what you believe them to be. ~ Lady Bird Johnson
Don’t handicap your children by making their lives easy. ~ Robert Heinlein
Always kiss your children goodnight- even if they’re already asleep. ~ H. Jackson Brown Jr.
To bring up a child in the way he should go, travel that way yourself once in a while. ~ Josh Billings
Your children need your presence more than your presents. ~ Jesse Jackson
Don’t worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you. ~ Robert Fulghum
If you have never been hated by your child you have never been a parent. ~ Bette Davis
The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable. ~Lane Olinghouse
Your children tell you casually years later what it would have killed you with worry to know at the time. ~ Mignon McLaughlin
What a child doesn’t receive he can seldom later give. ~ P.D. James
If you want your children to improve, let them overhear the nice things you say about them to others. ~ Haim Ginott
There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it. ~ Chinese Proverb
The child supplies the power but the parents have to do the steering. ~ Benjamin Spock
Instant availability without continuous presence is probably the best role a mother can play ~ Lotte Bailyn
A child, like your stomach, doesn’t need all you can afford to give it. ~ Frank A. Clark
You have a lifetime to work, but children are only young once. ~ Polish Proverb
Adoption is when a child grew in its mommy’s heart instead of her tummy. ~ Author Unknown
Childhood is the most beautiful of all life’s seasons. ~ Author Unknown
I’d give all wealth that years have piled,
The slow result of Life’s decay,
To be once more a little child
For one bright summer day.
~Lewis Carroll, “Solitude”
The older I grow the more earnestly I feel that the few joys of childhood are the best that life has to give. ~ Ellen Glasgow
Me and my boundaries
The American Heritage Dictionary defines
boundaries as:
1. Something that indicates a border or a limit
2. The border or limit so indicated.
I am presently in a struggle with boundaries. Personal, emotional, self-induced boundaries. Where do I draw the border? What is my limit? Where is the place that I will not let people cross?
As a kid I remember myself really being “boundary-free”. Oh, I don’t mean that my parents didn’t have rules and expectations. They did…in fact there were plenty. But they were the ones that decided what they were and they were the ones that enforced them. By “boundary-free” I mean that I was emotionally without limits or boundaries. I had so much trust and faith in people that I didn’t fear that I had to set a border or limit to keep myself from getting hurt. I didn’t have to consciously think “will this person take advantage of me” in a given situation. I guess you figure out what the idea and need of boundaries are as you get older. Being a pleaser for the majority of my life, I tended to let other people decide the boundaries for me. I will do what I have to do to please you and as long as you are pleased, there is really no need for a boundary.
Well, life has now seemed to teach me otherwise. I have finally and “painfully” realized that I really can’t please everyone. No, I mean really. Believe me, I really thought in my heart of hearts that I could do it. Some how, some way, I could make anybody and everybody happy with me. I have now at thirty-some years old met my match. It does not matter what I do, how much I do and if I do it standing on my head singing the Greek alphabet backwards…I can not please them. It has just killed me. I have thought, “What is wrong with this person”? “Do they not see how hard I am trying”? “Maybe, if I try it this way”. “Nope that still doesn’t get it”. Whatever I do and however I do it, it will never be enough. I can not PLEASE them.
So, what is a pleaser who has never had to set boundaries before to do? Well, I either have to set myself some personal, emotional boundaries or I can be crushed to what feels like death. I now have to decide what the border is. I now have to decide what is my limit. I have to decide the place that I will not let people cross.
Wish me luck, because this is going to be a tough one.
